Simple Steps to Recover Your Heart

Below that stormy ocean's surface, there is deep calm. Deep within each of us, there exists a world that nobody can take away from us. I wish to meet you there.

I have spent my life outsourcing my peace and purpose.

Maybe it is because we are social creatures who live in connection with others, hoping they will approve of us. We also spend so much of our lives making our happiness conditional on external circumstances — will we ever get the perfect job, paycheck or partner?

We wait, and we wait until the thing arrives, and then we realize that wasn’t it. So we scan the world for the next person or thing that will bring us peace.

This is just one of many ways we give our power away to a world that is not steady and always changing, or to people who don’t even know themselves.

What if we could be our very own well of limitless light?

I have loved studying the 12 steps of recovery from people, places and things. It is not a program for quitting drinking like most believe; it is a program for living that drunks use to stay sober.

Step by step, I have learned surrender. The steps teach honesty, not only with others, but with ourselves. It is hard to live when we can’t be honest with the ways we move about the world in both positive and less-than-savory ways.

The steps teach forgiveness, accountability through this honesty, and trust. They lead the soul out of isolation and into communion with the intelligent universe, with the greater whole, with each other and with the truth of who we are.

Through this practice, I step into principles of detachment, like “I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance.” I love this line so much. It’s when the mind’s magical thinking zooms into some annoying thing or behavior of another and obsesses over it. Then we point and say - he did it! He disturbed me! We unwittingly created a code book for how each person in our lives shall behave according to the gospel of Me.

Now, this is very different from someone harming you. If that is the case, please step out of their destructive way.

And I must add here that it took me years to understand that acceptance does not mean approval. It means acceptance of truths and events beyond our control, picking our battles — which bigger fish to fry — and letting go of the rest.

So if I accept a friend’s unkind behavior, it doesn’t mean I approve of it. I accept it as a truth about her, or me in relation to her, which empowers me to be honest with myself and move on.

In contrast to what some may think, it is in this way that acceptance can mean empowered action.

Today, I accepted that there are some core wounds I will live with forever. This allows me to work with it in the light. To deny these wounds means to leave it in the dark. When it is in the dark, it has control over me. To accept it means I can start to move forward in awareness.

The steps have lessons through easy slogans to help me stay in the present: take the next right action, easy does it, one day at a time, tomorrow’s problems are tomorrow’s problems, everything you need for today will be provided for you.

I often get asked by a wise elder in the program: “Well, do you have a roof over your head today and food to eat?” Sigh, yes.

Surrendering to the day before me inspires me to move into tomorrow with more ease and clarity. Anxiety of the future can settle into my mind like a thick fog in the dark. These steps are like the morning sun that burns off that fog and anxiety. Worry never got me anywhere but stuck. That same wise elder once told me that “[situational] depression is when someone is stuck in the past, and anxiety is when someone is stuck in the future, so stay in today, kid.”

It’s liberating in the most simple yet profound way. Staying detached from outcomes and in the present is the ultimate freedom and the key to moving forward.

These simple truths and steps, which I promise I will get to, help drunks, addicts and codependents because it teaches them how to live life on life’s terms, to find a deep inner well of peace no matter the state of the day or the world, because this peace is what keeps them away from the pain that brings them to drink, binge watch TV, overeat, and whatever else we do to numb out. Pick your poison. Right now it’s chocolate and YouTube Tarot (don’t judge me).

But all addiction is simply separation from ourselves and others, separation from the light that connects us all. I once heard a TED talk that said: “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is connection.”

What does disconnection look like in your life? What are the things of this world that have disconnected you from your center, your light, your truth?

These steps help lay a foundation to call that true self back and make the space inside our physical body for our soul to come home.

While I have been on a spiritual quest since I was 18, I started working 12-step recovery programs on July 4, 2019, yes, Independence Day (poetic but not planned), and it has been the most life-changing work of my life. It’s simple. It’s humble. It’s about doing and not thinking. Not one of these steps is about “figuring it out,” which is one of my controlling character defects. But if I can just figure it out, the problem will go away. Not true.

These actionable and simple solutions have liberated me from my own destructive thinking. Before I dove into this work, I believed the lie that the divine spark that exists in all of us didn’t exist in me. The darkness had its way of lying to me and pulling me away from the truth of who and what I am and what you are, which is a beautiful and divine soul with personal power (not power over another) beyond what this world would like you to think.

So here’s a version of the 12 steps adapted to address the challenges of navigating the storm in today’s world, focusing on personal growth, inner serenity and resilience. This is how we will change the world, by healing our inner world and raising our vibration one soul at a time. This is one of the most powerful forms of activism and resistance because we begin to tune into a frequency that power-hungry individuals do not exist on. They can’t find us there. Fear tactics don’t work there.

First, let’s talk about the G-word in here. That’s God. Wait, don’t run off yet. Our human language has a hard time capturing the layers of our beautiful existence, so God is the word we use for Source of all that is, Love with a capital “L”, Mother Nature, The Great Mother, Sophia, our collection of ancestors lady warriors, the Divine Feminine, or any Higher Power of your understanding, even if that is your circle of friends, your Higher Self, Aristotle’s “First Mover,” a forest, a tree, your golden retriever or your soccer team. As long as you can think of something beyond your ability to reason alone that you can lean on for support, that will work.

The first few are the hardest for people because of the G-word, but this works. I promise. I know the wisdom from these steps, used for nearly 100 years, will help you feel better in this increasingly complex world. I want to share the peace I have in my heart with anyone who comes across this, because it is a gift beyond measure, beyond space and time, and everyone you come into contact with will thank you for doing the work.

Steps for Recovery from the Contracting World Before the Big Expansion

• We admitted we were powerless over most of the chaos surrounding us – that our lives had become unmanageable when we tried to manage others and the news of the world.

Realistically, most things are out of our control. If we can identify what those things are, we can better focus on the things that we do have the personal power to manage. We ask for the wisdom to know the difference and let go of the rest. This is not condoning passivity in the face of corruption, rather, it helps you pack lighter, know where to focus your energy and relieve some of the weight of the world from your shoulders.

• Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore our sense of peace and purpose.

Lean on your Higher Power, your communities, your pets, your partners and your inner love. Find those you can trust and lean on them. Share your concerns, your heart, and let them carry it for you for a while. You are not alone.

Often, when we share our troubles, we realize that those marbles are less loud once they are out of our heads.

This is the moment of awakening. The moment we begin to release its grip on the illusion of control and surrender to something greater—something vast, loving, ancient, and eternal.

Awakening is not an instant revelation for most; it is a journey, a gradual unfolding. At first, there may be doubt. Resistance. The belief that one must do it all alone. But suffering has a way of humbling the heart, of breaking down the walls built by fear and pride. And in that breaking, something sacred happens. I have been broken open by deep suffering since I was a little girl, and I am forever grateful, because as the Chinese proverb says: the cracks are how the light gets in.

This step is about trust. Not in a distant, punishing force, but in a Power that is deeply personal—One that has lived in you and been with you all along, waiting for you to remember. A Power that does not demand submission but instead offers restoration.

Peace is not something to be earned—it is something to be received. It has always belonged to you, but the world teaches separation, fear and striving. To be restored is to return to what was never truly lost—your connection to all that is, and the unconditional love that is your birthright.

• Made a decision to turn our problems over to the care of that Higher Power, as we understand it.

I have always believed there was something far more intelligent than I am designing this vast universe to perfection. When I look at the intricate beauty of a flower, or the delicate society of a forest, or learn that if a bird’s bones weren’t hollow and its wings were a fraction of a millimeter shorter, that it could not fly, thus it could not survive, I can’t help but think there is an intelligent designer. In collaboration with my Higher Self, my oversoul, this can help my human self navigate some pretty dark moments. So I turn over everything that I don’t understand, all the things outside of my control, to that Intelligence, and I ask for help. Sometimes, this looks like letters to God and Mother Sophia in my journal, in which they write back to me with wisdom beyond my understanding.

• Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, recognizing our blind spots and areas for growth, understanding our part in our problems, and practicing accountability.

Nobody is perfect. We all play a role in our problems, even if that means all we did was stay in the room when that jerk treated us like shit. We can take responsibility and leave. Sometimes, the problem is how we see the world, focusing on all that is wrong and missing the bright spots. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of bad things in the world, but we have the power to see the world outside the media’s lens. We can also take notice of the good things.

I suggest an exercise I learned in recovery, which is making a list of all the people, places and things that have offended us, abandoned us and/or harmed us. Next to each thing we list what these people or institutions threatened. Examples could be our sense of self, our safety, our sanity, etc. Then, in the next column, we list our part, the role we play in our problems.

In my story, the “my part” column revealed a pattern that allowed me to begin to take responsibility and heal — I handed over my power to something outside of myself. I handed my sense of financial security to a job, my emotional security to a toxic partner, and I was constantly externally validated by bosses, coworkers, likes on social media, and friends’ moods. My love for myself was conditional in this way. I could not be OK unless you were OK with me, which gave you ultimate power over me. Here, I called in every abuser I’ve survived.

I searched for water in dry wells, or shopped for bread in a hardware store, as one mentor put it, making me a perpetual victim. Yes, those people were assholes, but why was I seeking validation from someone who was so separated from their own truth they couldn’t see their head from their ass.

And that’s on me. Another way this is playing out in my life now is that I wish to stop the loop of relying on a corrupt healthcare system and government entities to take care of me. I want to stop leaning on sensational headlines and news and wonky algorithms to give me healthy and contextual information.

This is why I am seeking to build a community, a village, that is based on integrity and the good of all involved, not each woman for themselves, but a collaborative-versus-competitive community that is based in love, not fear, based in abundance, not scarcity.

Oh the power of the truth, because once I could see it, I could stop it. Or at least begin the process of getting out of the habit.

From this step, I learned that everything I need is in my own precious heart, which is a portal to the Divine. And the power within me is greater than any fear before me.

We must stop giving people or things the keys to our happiness.

I cannot tell you how much peace and freedom come from finding your blind spots, owning your part and doing something about it.

• Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs and fears.

This part is also freeing. You find someone you can talk to about the things in your life you wish you had done differently. Ask them to hold space, not fix it for you. Share with someone you trust your darkest secrets, your biggest fears, and you will find that it is like cleaning out that old dark attic in your house and creating space for a new art studio in your mind.

• Were entirely ready to have our Higher Power remove all these defects of character and unhealthy patterns.

Now you get to let them all go. You don’t have to carry those things around with you everywhere. They don’t define you. They never did. Release them to Mother Earth through the soles of your feet and let Her alchemize it into food for the trees. Or write them down in a letter in your journal and burn them all, let the ashes rise to the heavens. Then we can ask our Higher Self to help us grow more into our authentic selves and move into our most elevated path.

• Then we continue the work.

We continued to hold ourselves accountable when necessary, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it to ourselves and others. We keep doing the work. We keep showing up for ourselves and our communities. The self-healing work is never done. We stay in our Hula hoop, which is an expression for staying in your lane and minding your business. We ask for help checking our blind spots — from people we trust with good hearts — when we become disturbed, we ask ourselves what actionable steps we can take to feel better, even if that means surrendering.

Or ice cream. Accountability also means being honest with yourself when you need to stay on bed and recover.

• Create a morning and/or evening prayer and meditation routine.

When times are hard, it is so important to go within and find our own answers. This reminds me of the image that when a storm is raging at sea, if you were to be above the water, it is chaotic, but when you dive below the surface, it is calm and connected to all that is. All the life below the surface is fine. The chaos is merely the surface and is passing, but the source and serenity are deep within. When we make conscious contact with the highest intelligence, with our divine Mother and Father, and our Higher Self, seeking guidance and understanding every day, we gain a personal sovereignty that provides wisdom through the ages. I write letters to my divine guides a few mornings a week and imagine what they would say if they wrote me back. It took me a few years to realize they were writing back to me. Wisdom was returned that I could not come up with. We’ve been taught that imagination is fiction. It’s not. It’s our gateway to worlds our human senses can’t perceive. Have fun with it and try it.

• Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of stepping into the solution, we tried to carry this calm to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

We try to live in service of our communities, because when we get stuck in our problems and in our heads, the problems grow. But there is something so healing in going out into the world and helping another, no matter how small that action may be. I can’t tell you what a text from a friend checking on me does for my entire day. No selfless act is ever too small. Same for when I am deep in the thick of it, the peace that comes from checking on a friend to see how they are doing. This is how we can mend the web of humanity that has been torn to shreds by those who wish to take our power away. Our power lies in this connection, so they will do anything to isolate us.

These steps work. Just the simple acts of surrendering, staying in today, giving up control of things that we can’t possibly change, minding our business and caring for others will change our lives.

I always love the three Cs as a cure for the “codependent crazies”: Did we cause it? Can we control it? Can we cure it? This also helps us understand what we can do to help ourselves and others. “It begins with us.”

• I didn't cause it – Recognizing that you are not responsible for some things that happen in this world: the abuse you may have endured, and your coworker’s horrible mood.

• I can't control it – Understanding that you cannot change or control some things in this world.

• I can't cure it – Acknowledging that you cannot fix or heal someone else's problems, nor can you cure all of the world’s problems.

But what can you do?

You can start by healing your crazy in this crazy world. Healing people heal people. Hurting people hurt people. Without accountability and support in our blind spots, we act out of our wounds, which means we act out of fear instead of love, which can destroy communities, and hence, destroy our world.

Find people whom you trust to reflect back to you just how beautiful you are, in all your light and shadow. But don’t rely too much on others. If the sun relied on the moon to reflect back its brilliance, it would only have part of the story. You are the sun, my love. Let’s start reconnecting with our truth and with each other.